Dream Crying
Do you ever cry in your dreams?
Unlike the first two years after Sarah died, lately I’ve been having trouble crying. Not even heart-warming commercials or sad movies can bring a tear to my eye. I’ve let the busy-ness of life guide my days, even on days when I have nothing to do and end up watching Taskmaster for hours, so I don’t take the time to cry. I like crying, inasmuch as one can like a soggy face and runny nose. It’s cathartic. It helps me move through my feelings. And I always feel better afterwards.
I have been crying in my dreams, though. It’s usually a situation with my sister or my mom, but not always. Sometimes it’s just me, crying. I don’t have the same relief that I do from having a good cry when I’m awake, but it makes me aware that I’ve been holding in those tears.
Has anyone experienced this?
There isn’t much research on crying in dreams. Dream symbolism says it is emotional release, and the little bit of research that’s been done about actually crying when you wake from a dream is also about emotional release.
What is crying? Why do we do it?
“To weep is to make less the depth of grief.”
There is research showing that crying is the body having a “very specific response” to emotional distress. There are different types of tears, some of which flush out irritants from the eye; emotional tears contain higher levels of potassium (helps with blood pressure), manganese, and prolactin (a hormone associated with stress and the immune system). When you cry, your skin becomes more sensitive and your breathing deepens, which also helps to regulate the nervous system.
Another supposed benefit of tears is that crying signals we need help, which in turn brings contact with others, often leading to touch, especially hugs, which also helps regulate the nervous system.
When a friend or a griever I’m working with apologizes for crying, I always reassure them by telling them it’s healthy to cry. Why, then, am I feeling unable to cry lately?
In an article in Vice, assistant professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, Lauren Bylsma, says: “A lot of time when people are dealing with emotions, one maladaptive strategy is to avoid [them] and not think about them,” Bylsma said. “Crying forces you to think about it. When you cry, you can’t really think about anything else.”
I think that’s probably true for me. It’s very different than in the first two years after Sarah’s death, when I cried almost non-stop. These days I tell myself I’m so busy, so my mind immediately moves from the emotional to the practical. I’m really missing Sarah? Time to load the dishwasher. A song came on that always makes me think of my mom? I’d better write the next blog post.
Enter dreams
Science is still trying to understand why people dream, but one of the prevalent theories is that dreaming helps our brain organize and understand what happens to us day to day. Some experts also think dreaming plays a role in managing our emotions, especially intense emotions.
Dreams may be an intermingling of autobiographical episodes with our memories of the past, in order to “create a new memory that can be referenced later.”
The first dream I had of Sarah after she died, we were in her car together, talking. She said something about “tomorrow.” I turned to her and said “does that mean you won’t be dead anymore?” UGH! Was that my mind trying to understand the autobiographical episode of the reality of her death with the memories of talking with her in her car? It has certainly created a new memory that I continue to reference.
Another explanation is self-organization theory, suggesting “that three components contribute to dream formation:
memory consolidation
emotion regulation
reception of external stimuli.”
Note the emotion regulation part of that, and let’s return to crying.
If both crying and dreaming help us to regulate our emotions (or, more accurately, our nervous systems), then perhaps when I cry in my dreams, it’s a signal that my nervous system is out of whack, and that I need to work on getting back to equilibrium.
Some ideas for settling the nervous system
Self-soothe. All of the following will help you soothe yourself, but these three are especially helpful.
Put your right hand under your left armpit. Put your left hand on top of your right arm, just under the shoulder. Breathe. If you’d like, you can give yourself a couple of squeezes.
Rock. Sit or stand and shift your weight either front to back or side to side. Our bodies naturally know how to do this.
Cry (if you can).
Touch. Touch stimulates the vagus nerve, which then activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing the fight or flight response (stress).
Ask for a hug or a snuggle from someone you care about. Stay here as long as you need.
Rub your hands together until they are warm. Focus on the energy forming between your palms. Open your hands like a book. Gently blow on your palms. Repeat as needed.
Find something soft, like a blanket or stuffed animal. Rhythmically move your hand across the fabric until you feel calmer. You might find that other textures, like smooth or nubbly, feel good, too. Experiment with the textures that help slow and deepen your breathing.
Move, especially outside. Exercise can help reduce the symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Go for a walk. Notice the sights, sounds, and smells around you. Being in nature can increase serotonin and may help with sleep.
Shadowbox. Throw some cross-body punches (your choice of how aggressively to do this) into the air. Remember to use both sides of your body to keep everything balanced.
Write (or draw, or paint, or knit, or build something). I put this under move because the action of writing is as helpful as journaling. You don’t even need to write real words or form full thoughts. Pick a phrase and repeat it, or just doodle. Pay attention to the shapes you make. If you’re journaling, wait to read what you’ve written until later, once you’re calmer, and don’t worry about spelling or grammar (that’s a tough one for this pedant!).
DANCE!
A recent study suggests that dancing is the best exercise to combat depression and anxiety. Dancing when grieving is particularly special to me. It’s the quickest way for me to release the tears I’ve been holding back. I recently, finally, let go of my tears during Dance Church, and it felt wonderful. I feel like I’m more myself now, more attuned to my feelings, and more able to hold space for others.
Download these tips to remind yourself to pause when you feel like you’re holding back the tears or suppressing your feelings. Let the tears fall! Dance! Get hugs! And if nothing seems to be working, reach out to a therapist or coach (like me) who can help guide you back to solid ground.
Dancing with my favorite dance partner, Johnny “Guitar” Reedy, to Gino Delafose and French Rockin’ Boogie in 2020.
