Friendships
I’ve been thinking about friendships lately. Good friends of ours surprised us by taking us to lunch when they had a long layover in Seattle. It was a surprise and a delight to meet up with people I’ve known so long.
On Instagram I’ve talked about the friends who showed up for me in the hours after my sister died, and the friends who continue to show up for me, both in my grief and in the rest of my life. Most of my friendships have deepened. I am eternally grateful for all my long-term friends. I haven’t yet said much about the friends I’m making in Seattle, but I’ve been thinking about them, too. Grief is lonely and can be isolating, but being around people who are supportive can lessen those feelings.
We moved to Seattle less than a year after Sarah died. I needed a change in my daily routine, and the only way to do that was to change my environment. (By the way, this is a common response after the death of someone important to us.) As important as Rise and Grind was to my well-being, walking there was also what hurt, since it was the first part of my day that included receiving and responding to Sarah’s Marco Polo videos. I miss Rise and Grind (and Vashelle and Vinanson) so much–I still haven’t found a coffee shop I want to visit every day.
After about a year in Seattle, I still hadn’t made any friends. Brian found his community pretty quickly and was frequently away for hours and even days fishing with them. I found myself alone a lot. I was working remotely, too, so I had very little interaction with humans in real life. My therapist suggested that I might be depressed. This was the first time I had ever felt that way. I didn’t like it. Having her suggest that I might need more help than talking to her first made me rebellious. I changed my diet (a little) and took a dance class. I added supplements and did some weight training. It didn’t help enough.
What does this have to do with friends, you ask. Well, I like to share the backstory. Context is everything. Seriously, though, the friends I’m making in Seattle have played a significant role in helping me build Listening to Grief. I feel like recognizing them.
Danielle was the first person I met in West Seattle, and she introduced me to Maari of Inner Alchemy. Danielle and Maari gave me advice in the early stages of Listening to Grief that pointed me in the direction of success. Notably, Danielle suggested I join the West Seattle Chamber of Commerce. It’s not surprising that Danielle is a life coach!
Joining the Chamber was life changing.
All of a sudden I was socializing. Sure, it was networking and I got really tired of describing Listening to Grief over and over, but I was meeting people.
Here are a few people who I now count as friends:
Daisha, of course!
We work so well together and have fun hanging out. Our Heart Tending Workshops flow from creative processing to breathwork, sharing to yoga with ease. If I do say so myself, we’ve put together an awesome and supportive four hours filled with meaning (and snacks). We meet each week to catch up and plan not only the next Heart Tending Workshop (date TBD), but also our next adventure!
Chandra offered the use of her space, Nurture Wellbeing, for my grief groups the very first time I met her at a Chamber Health and Wellness Meetup. I ended up not needing the space at that time, but Chandra and I can’t seem to stop talking when we’re together! We chat about books and dream about ways to support each other. When I started offering the (Any Grief) Grief Circles, I knew they had to be held at Nurture Wellbeing. Studio 102 is a calm space that makes you feel cozy and open. Chandra’s the queen of the spontaneous voice note, and I’m here for it.
I met Katie at a West Seattle Women in Entrepreneurship meeting (more networking!).
After barely chatting a few times, Katie offered the use of her Reiki studio, Mama Be Well, for my in-person Grief Support groups. Her studio might be the most grounding space in West Seattle. The minute you walk in you feel calmer and closer to the earth. I try to attend her Tuesday Night Beauty meditation groups any chance I get. Katie and I started getting together to chat about business and marketing, but (for me anyway), it’s grown into just wanting to spend time getting to know each other.
Through Katie I re-met a couple of people that are on the way to becoming good friends (I hope!).
Krystal (New Moon Mama) and I both offered a post-election grief walk in November. I attended hers out of curiosity and need. The walk was a comforting and hopeful space through Lincoln Park. Our walks were very different from each other: it rained during mine, but was sunny for Krystal’s! But the sentiment and care was the same. We’ve spent some time together since and plan to continue meeting (and possibly collaborating). Krystal holds space for women in the most beautiful way at her Women’s Circles, and she’s so generous with her work and time.
Raanah. What can I say about Raanah? We were both on Krystal’s grief walk, but I didn’t meet Raanah again until a couple months ago at a Tuesday Night Beauty at Mama Be Well. Raanah is the kind of person you just want to be around. So much so that I asked her to give me my first ever reiki session. I still think about it. We have also danced together, so you know she’s fun.
Brandee was also on Krystal’s walk, but I’d first met her at a WS Chamber Health and Wellness meetup, and again at a West Seattle Women in Entrepreneurship meetup. We run in the same circles, I guess. Brandee is so smart and knowledgeable about women’s health. I took her intro webinar on managing blood sugar and learned so much. Check out her whole Blood Sugar Savvy course. One of these days I’ll take the full course, too!
Jessica (Heartwood Law) and I met for coffee after being introduced at a WS Chamber After Hours event. We discovered we have a lot in common–not just death and grief, though we do talk about death when we’re together. We even went to a Death Cafe together. As soon as I can get my act together, I’ll be hiring Jessica to make a plan for Brian, Brian’s mom, and me. It’s so important to have plans in place NOW; I know the will I created for free online is a good starting point, but I need Jessica to guide me through the rest. Jessica holds regular informational sessions around Seattle. They are worth attending!
The Whitney Moore-Adams is everyone’s favorite West Seattle personality. She may be best known for promoting Electric Butter Marketing while wearing her butter costume, but I know her as someone who generously and genuinely supports small businesses and solo entrepreneurs. Once, I ran into Whitney while I was hanging up flyers for a Grief Walk and she gave me an impromptu master class in marketing. Whitney is someone you want in your corner.
Rebecca reached out to me as a colleague, but we’ve since become friends. We periodically check in with each other over tea about our respective grief coaching businesses. She’s been doing this longer than I have, so I definitely look to her as an example of what success in grief coaching looks like (hint: lots of work and continuous learning). If your grief brings up past trauma, turn to Rebecca. While I understand and can coach to traumatic loss (such as loss to suicide), Rebecca has specialized training in trauma-informed coaching for bereaved people who are also dealing with their own past trauma.
I met Julie at a Health and Wellness meetup and then for regular drinks (NA for me, please!). Most of my Seattle friendships started as a way to support each other’s businesses, especially with bouncing around marketing ideas, and my friendship with Julie is no different. We attend each other’s walks (hers are Walking for Well-being) and get together to enjoy each other’s company.
Nicole. I chatted briefly with Nicole at a local winter craft market, but really got to know her months later at her shop, West Coast Willow Apothecary. We immediately started talking about grief. That might be the reason I went in there–I think I was looking for some blue vervain (a useful, extremely bitter, plant to help with grief), or some chamomile. I learned about using magnesium spray to help with sleep from Nicole, too. If you haven’t been in the shop, I recommend stopping by. Have some tea, talk about grief, and pick up some magnesium spray. Nicole also offers spa treatments that I hear are very relaxing and beneficial.
Emma is another friend I met through networking at the West Seattle Women in Entrepreneurship.
You know how there are those people you cling to when you don’t feel like talking to strangers? Emma’s that person for me! After many social networking events where I sought Emma out, I finally tried out her spa, Revitalize Spa. Let me tell you, it was amazing! 15 minutes on the Vibrational Plate and I was converted. One of these nights I’m going to join Emma for karaoke. Watch out!
There are others whose friendships I’m cultivating, like LiSun, Leesha, and Josh, but I haven’t spent enough time with them yet to move them into the friendship column. Plus, Josh still owes me some Girl Scout cookies!
Why talk about them here, on my blog, and how does it relate to grief? These are all new friends I can talk about grief with. They know me because of my loss. I don’t have to worry that I’ll get “the look.” You know the one, sort of a cross between a deer in headlights and pity. My grief is just another part of what makes me who I am, like being vegetarian or my tendency to speak in hyperbole.
It’s hard to make friends as an adult. I’d posit that it’s even harder to make friends as a grieving adult. I know I’ve been fortunate, but it has not been easy. I had to work through my depression (my depression is not acute or a lifetime struggle), do tons of networking, and put myself, including my grief, out there. It was exhausting. It is still exhausting, but now it’s a sort of cozy exhaustion.
Do you feel alone in your grief?
One thing to try is to find those “loose connections” you encounter every day. Is there a coffee shop where they know your drink order? That’s a loose connection. Do you smile at the same neighbor when you’re both out walking your dogs? That’s a loose connection. A loose connection is someone you have a friendly, superficial rapport with that probably won’t become a friendship. Those interactions are extremely important in our lives. They help us feel seen and they link us to society, even if we just comment on the weather as we’re checking out at the grocery store.
“Notice those loose connections. Try giving a compliment after the small talk. The smile you receive might bring you out of your isolation for a few minutes. Who knows, you might have an entire conversation one slow day at the coffee shop. Or you might not, but you’ll feel less alone that morning.”
You can also join one of my events or Grief Support Groups. There’s never pressure to talk, but you might find it feels supportive to share a little bit of your grief with others. If you’re not ready to join groups of people, but need some support, send me a message. We can talk about other small steps you can take to get yourself back out into the world. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Believe it or not, you are not alone.
