What IS Grief Anyway?
Part 2: Types of Grief
In the previous post, I shared some definitions of grief and some personal thoughts I have about how grief behaves in our lives. There are many different types of grief, some that we feel simultaneously or some we feel because of the main event that caused grief. After you read this, I’d love to hear from you about the different types of grief you’ve experienced and what you’ve learned along the way.
Types of grief
A few of the definitions above focused only on grief because of the death of a person, but there are many types of grief. If you think the thing or person you lost is important (even if it’s your own self, dreams, or relationships), then you are grieving. Here are a few other common types of grief.
Anticipatory grief is when someone is expecting a loss, such as due to a terminal illness, and is grieving in advance. Note that this does not mean they won’t grieve after their loved one dies.
Traumatic grief happens when a death is sudden or happens in a violent or perceived to be violent way, such as murder, suicide, or accident.
Compounded or cumulative grief is when there is more than one loss happening at the same time or in quick succession. For example, my dad died in 2001, my roommate moved out, my mom died in 2003, a significant relationship ended, and our family dog died. Those few years had a lot of grief piling on top of one another.
Disenfranchised grief happens when the subject of grief is not recognized as important to others, whether that’s family, community, or society as a whole. Stigmatized deaths (suicide, overdose, causing an accident) are often disenfranchized, even within a person’s family, but especially in society. Other disenfranchised grief includes relationships that aren’t viewed as significant as other relationships to the deceased, such as friends, siblings, ex-partners, or pets.
Ambiguous grief is a grief that is hard to understand. It can be a loss where a loved one is physically (or mentally and emotionally) absent, but they are still alive. Examples include divorce, estrangement, illnesses like dementia, or separation from the loved one due to incarceration or a move to another country or faraway city. Parasocial grief (grief when a celebrity dies) may also be considered ambiguous grief.
Collective grief is what it sounds like: grief felt by a group. It can be a community, an organization, or society. Perhaps these days everyone in the world is feeling collective grief over the polycrisis.
Grief for secondary losses. Secondary losses are part of the “primary loss”–they are the other things we have lost. For example, if the primary loss is the death of a loved one, secondary losses could be future plans that won’t happen, the financial support of that person, the emotional support, or a change in identity (say from being a spouse to becoming a widow).
What I know
Okay, so I’ve talked about the definition of grief and some of the different types of grief. I am continuously reading and learning about grief, so as my knowledge and experience grow, my approach and ideas about grief may change. Here are a few things I know as fact:
Grief is inescapable. Everyone dies, so everyone will experience grief. Even if you push it down and don’t recognize it, you will feel it in other ways.
Our bodies hold grief. That pain in your chest or the lump in your throat are proof that the body is involved in the grieving process.
Grief and all its accompanying emotions and responses are NORMAL. It’s normal to cry, to feel guilt, to be angry, to feel elated, or to be relieved.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief were developed as a framework for terminally ill patients. They do not neatly apply to grieving a death or other losses.
Grief is not linear–it comes and goes, sometimes with a vengeance.
Grief hurts.
Grief is lonely.
Grief is precious (see above).
I named this business Listening to Grief because I wanted to provide a space where grievers could share stories about their loved ones. This is still the primary focus of the one-on-one work that I do. When you’re in a session with me, we always talk about your stories and memories before moving on to tools for feeling supported.
Over time, as I started to learn more about the science of grief and how grief affects and behaves in the body, Listening to Grief took on more meaning. When I began to offer community events, like the Grief Walks, the word “listening” became reciprocal. It was no longer only me who was doing the listening, it was everyone in the group.
Being a part of a grief support group has shown me the power of compassionate listening. I know that when I’m sharing, everyone else in the group is listening to me. I feel heard and understood, which eases some of the loneliness that grief brings. This is why grief support groups are so beneficial for some people—you aren’t alone when you’re in a group. I try to create a similar compassionate space for everyone that comes to one of my events, whether it’s a walk or a group, circle, or workshop.
People often ask how to support someone who is grieving. My first answer is always to simply listen. If the griever does not want to talk, it’s often enough to just sit with them as a reminder they are not alone. Any attempt you make that centers the griever will be appreciated and understood as support, especially if your gesture is one that allows the griever to share whenever they feel like they can, and you accept it when they don’t feel up to sharing.
In the next post, we talk about where to go from here and what to do with all of these big feelings.
In the meantime, I am accepting new one-on-one clients, and there are grief support groups and circles, as well as collaborative workshops, where grievers can cry openly while they share the precious stories about their loved ones or about their losses. I’d love to see you there and hear your story.
